And I don’t mean the ones from your parents or family telling you look so handsome in that obviously ridiculous matching festival outfit. I mean the genuine ones that have some thought (and perhaps intent) behind it. The vulnerable ones that make you pause.
I don’t know if it is a gender thing, nor have I conducted any official surveys, but anecdotally speaking, men receive fewer compliments than women.
I’ve consumed a fair amount of media that discusses this inequity, so I won’t bother going over it further. The general dialogue is that women receive appearance based compliments, men receive almost none, and so when they do, they seem to remember it–for a long time. Society doesn’t condition men to receive compliments comfortably.
But let’s say that compliment does come along–man or woman– (dare I say I have been guilty of being the recipient of a few myself), then what?
I find it fascinating to see how people respond; regardless of their black belt status in the delicate dance of receiving praise.
My Favourite Compliment I’ve Ever Received
I won’t beat around the bush, nor will I pretend by saying that there ISN’T plenty of ego and narcissism involved in this, but
“You make me feel so safe and comfortable around you.”
– Several Women
Okay okay, maybe not several, but maybe more than once. Whenever I’ve heard this compliment, several feelings seem to strike me.
- It’s not a safe world for women out there, and that is because of the men out there. Cocky as it may sound, this makes me feel like I am something special, I’m the standout, the exception
- That masculine instinct of being the ‘protector’ is validated
- Evokes the feeling of trustworthiness, loyalty
- That my parents must have done something right
- That my education must have done something right
- That the world is pretty screwed up
I won’t lie and say that’s the only compliment I’ve held on to. But it’s one of the few I feel okay writing about. It’s stuck with me because it did something. It encouraged me to keep being the kind of person who makes people feel safe—especially women.
What this compliment does for me, and perhaps it can’t be said with every other compliment, is that it creates a desire to maintain and even enhance the feeling to make said person to feel more comfortable and safe. Somehow amidst all the arrogance, it reinforces positive behaviours. And since this isn’t a compliment I’ve received just once, I can perhaps say that having received it has encouraged me to continue with whatever behaviours I seem to be demonstrating that make people feel safe and comfortable around me. Some compliments just stroke the ego, but others can shape your identity over time more than a single piece of solid advice could.
I tend to respond to it emotionally—because it’s always said emotionally. But is there a right or wrong way to receive a compliment?
Perhaps it isn’t as black and white as that, but for starters, acknowledging that someone has complimented you and accepting it as genuine is a good start (of course, this wouldn’t apply to cases where you can recognise one’s sarcasm). A simple “thank you” can go a long way, but from my research, telling people how that compliment made you feel is always a good idea, as is matching the tonality with which it was delivered.
In a world that’s getting increasingly sensitive, judgmental, and critical, these little sentiments of positivity can be rare sparks. If someone made you feel safe, or confident, or just a little more seen—you should let them know.
You might be handing them something they’ll carry for life.
They might even write a blog post about it!
Not gonna lie, this wasn’t the most thought-out piece of writing I’ve ever done, but I just wanted to get something out there.
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