blog

Summary

This was a really interesting read especially because personally I feel like many of us tend to feel lost and worried about where our lives are heading in our tumultuous yet adventurous 20s – what is supposedly the “best time of your life.” Meg Jay, clinical psychologist and PhD, asserts that our 20s should ideally be the most meaningful period of life where we can discover who we are and take action towards those things that fuel our purpose.

Rating: 8/10

One-sentence summary: Your 20s really matter so get to finding and building your career, think about your family and friends, keep building career and identity capital, and get serious about your future whilst also having fun.

Main Ideas

• 80% of life’s most defining moments take place by age 35.
• 2/3rds of lifetime wage growth happens in the first ten years of a career.
• More than half of us are married, or dating, or living with our future partner, by age thirty.

So we must:

• Have a bias toward action
• Aim to prioritise the long-term and never fear commitment
• Invest in big decisions early on in your life

The book is divided into 4 main parts: Work, Love, The Brain, and The Body.

Work

Identity Capital

• Identity capital is the collection of skills, relationships, and professional resources we build up over our lives
• Take the job with the most career capital – prioritise learning, growth and relationships over your starting salary
• 10,000 hours in any field is required for mastery – choose wisely

Weak Ties

• According to an MIT study in 2022, weak ties lead to the best sources of employment and a large network of such connections gives you the broadest reach and perspective within your career
• Broaden your network and reach out to your not-so-close friends because these relationships could be fruitful in the future

The Customised Life

• Simple but brutal truth – not choosing is also choice
• Create your own professional story based on your interests, talents, and unique strengths. This narrative would be your USP in interviews and coffee dates.
• Decide what you want to focus on and you will get it

Love

Family + Dating

• Based on Jay’s therapy sessions, most individuals in their 30s regretted not getting into serious relationships and marriage sooner
• Ensure that your significant others’ family is as important to you as they are

Cohabitation Effect

• Couples who live together before marriage tend to be less satisfied with marriage and are more likely to divorce
• Stress test your relationship with travel as moving in together is a big commitment

What is worse are the tears shed by thirtysomethings and fortysomethings because they are now paying a steep price—professionally, romantically, economically, reproductively—for a lack of vision in their twenties.

Meg Jay, The Defining Decade

Brain and Body

Forward Thinking

• Our brains are constantly changing in our 20s with studies showing that thousands of new connections sprout in our frontal lobe during this time period
• The brain is extremely plastic during our 20s and it is thus the best time to form new relationships, learn new skills, develop habits, and plan for our future
• We become what we see and hear and do everyday

Social Media

• Your screen time is stealing precious hours and days from your life
• Prioritise your health, relationships, hobbies, and goals
• “Having your attention drawn away from who you are and who you want to be is the antithesis of living an intentional life”

My final thoughts: I loved this book mainly for its practical advice and Jay’s ability to understand the plight of 20-somethings given the endless paths we could traverse. My main takeaway from the book is that life is never a destination but a journey – and as long as we’re moving in a direction that we can be proud of, we have nothing to worry about. The people you meet along the way, the relationships you create, and the things you learn are the true signposts that we should pay attention to. Everything else is noise. However, all you must do to embark on this journey is take your first step. So start now!

“The future isn’t written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.”

Meg Jay, PhD